I am cancer right now

So, this is what I expected and feared - and thought I was somehow exempt from.  I'm miserable.  My treatments have gotten worse each time, or at least the days after have.  I finished my fourth and final round of dose dense A & C on Thursday, and I'm down for the count.  Saturday I couldn't get out of bed, couldn't swallow, couldn't eat or drink much....couldn't really function.  Sunday I started to feel better, and then last night I got a cold.  I already was having a hard time swallowing (the chemo affects your entire GI tract, from your mouth through your throat to your esophagus to your stomach) and now I have a cold on top of it.  Miserable.  There's just no other way to put it.  My energy is gone.  I sit on the couch and it's everything in me to keep my eyes open, even though I'm not tired enough to sleep.  My head is foggy and heavy....etc and so on and blah blah.  So, this is what the anticipation was all about. 

I feel like I look like cancer now that I feel like cancer, which in turn makes me feel worse.  I'm missing work, I'm not pulling my weight around the house, I'm not on the treadmill, I'm not at yoga....I'm just surviving right now.  I keep trying to feel grateful that I had so many good weeks that could've been like this, but part of me feels like it got my hopes up that I was somehow going to sail through this intense treatment and now I haven't. 

Before every chemo, they put heparin in my port to make sure it's clear.  On the second treatment, the smell of the heparin started to make me sick.  The third treatment I had to wear a mask lined with peppermint chapstick so I couldn't smell it.  The fourth treatment, I got sick and cried just by the nurse accessing the port to draw my blood.  It's the anticipation of what's to come.  I wonder how many things I'm not ever going to be able to smell again because it will remind me of this time (the soap in my house, the "shampoo and conditioner" I use on my head right now) bagels....well that would be fine if I never ate another bagel I guess. 

I start the T part of my treatment next Thursday.  One med, which everyone promises me should be better.  However, they promise me that the nausea won't be as bad, which hasn't been one of my biggest side effects, so I'm trying to keep my expectations in check.  Constantly trying to keep my expectations in check. 

Moving forward.