At my last chemo appointment my oncologist mentioned that my next treatment will end this cycle, and we're on to the next. I literally slapped my hand on my leg and said "WHAT are you talking about??"
The plan I had heard (and, my sister heard at the same time I'd like to just say) is that I have 8 rounds of these two meds every other week, and then 4 rounds of one med every week. For a total of 12 rounds.
Here is the actual plan: 4 rounds of these two meds every other week, and then 12 rounds of one med every week.
TWELVE rounds EVERY WEEK.
I have to assume the bad news is obvious. I can't imagine going in for chemo every week for 12 weeks.
The good news is that I'm being told that these two meds I'm getting right now are the difficult ones. These two are the two that make you feel bad. So - I only have one more of those! Yay!
The cycle coming up is called Taxol and apparently it's not as bad as the first two meds I've been receiving. The doctor said that oftentimes women have to stop working for the cycle I'm in right now and then are able to go back to work during the Taxol. So, another silver lining I'm going to go with.
It's important to mention that nothing has changed in my treatment plan. It's not as though they saw something and decided they needed to switch it up. This has been the plan the whole time, we just somehow miscommunicated (and by that I mean she told me wrong). :)
I'm not going to lie, I'm ready to be done with this cycle. I hope the next is actually somehow not as bad...
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
General update
Tomorrow I go in for my third round of chemo. 3 down (and I refuse to say how many left because it's discouraging. So we stop at 3 down). Since it's Valentine's Day it only seems appropriate (not to mention ridiculously romantic) that Scott comes with this time. This will be his first time coming...a Valentine's Day to remember I'm sure.
There seems to be a pattern in regards to how I feel now....which I hate to even say out loud because this round will be completely different and will shoot to hell all sense of control this pattern has given me. But so far - I'm sick the first week after chemo. I'm not throwing up, but I'm sick. I have little to no energy, I'm shaky, my appetite is off, I'm nauseous, my taste buds are off, my mouth hurts, my head hurts, my brain feels empty except when I'm feeling miserable.... and honestly the list is endless. The thing about chemo (for me) is that it hasn't been any one symptom that's bringing me down. It's the countless number of ways that it's making my body not my own that's really difficult. I just feel bad and weak and emotional for that week or so.
I got to the point this time where I told my sister I couldn't do it anymore. I don't have it in me, I'm not strong enough, I give. I'm done. I can't do it anymore. Her response: You can and you will, and you are. Funny enough, while I was giving birth to Elliott (naturally, mind you) I said I can't do it anymore. Her response: You can and you will and you are. Hmph. I'm not sure who she thinks she is. So somehow, a week post chemo comes around and I start to feel like I'm going to make it, and maybe my sister is right. I have another one behind me now that I never ever have to do again, and I'm starting to feel better. Then usually by the weekend (9 days post treatment) I feel worlds better - and so I have a week or so where I function relatively normally before I go in for more and it starts all over again.
My buzz cut is still falling out. It kind of sucks that Scott got to shave his head and be all supportive, and now his hair is growing in nicely and he's gorgeous, and I get stuck with a mostly bald on the top but a patch in the front and a buzz in the back hairdo. I told him I think to REALLY be supportive he needed to get my exact hair do. He laughed out loud and said "oh hell no." See? Not very supportive.
Before I started treatment I figured I would wear my wig most of the time, sometimes I'd wear hats and I'd probably never wear scarves. Turns out I haven't worn my wig once, I sometimes wear hats and I'm mostly wearing scarves. The wig itches and makes me feel...wrong. I have no idea how to explain it. When I put it on and look at myself I feel sad. When I put a scarf on (which, my scarf obsession I've always had has sure come in handy!) I feel better. I am mostly bald around the house, except when I sleep because I'm freezing.
One day this week I was getting ready in the bathroom and Cameron was in there with me talking. I went to grab my scarf to wrap my head up and he said "Mama, I kind of just like you just the way you are. I think you look beautiful just with your bald head." I was absolutely blown away. I can tell by the way they look at me that they literally don't see my crazy bald head, they only see me. Which is more than I can say for myself. When I asked Elliott if he was comfortable with my bald head his response was "Yah sure! I'll tell you if I change my mind." Ahhh....typical response for both of them.
As always, the amount of support we are receiving is mind boggling. I wonder if people realize just how much it means to us. It really feels good to know how many people are sending me their positive thoughts and prayers. Every single message I receive is touching and humbling. It seems like I can't say it enough: thank you thank you thank you.
So - round three tomorrow. Moving only forward.
There seems to be a pattern in regards to how I feel now....which I hate to even say out loud because this round will be completely different and will shoot to hell all sense of control this pattern has given me. But so far - I'm sick the first week after chemo. I'm not throwing up, but I'm sick. I have little to no energy, I'm shaky, my appetite is off, I'm nauseous, my taste buds are off, my mouth hurts, my head hurts, my brain feels empty except when I'm feeling miserable.... and honestly the list is endless. The thing about chemo (for me) is that it hasn't been any one symptom that's bringing me down. It's the countless number of ways that it's making my body not my own that's really difficult. I just feel bad and weak and emotional for that week or so.
I got to the point this time where I told my sister I couldn't do it anymore. I don't have it in me, I'm not strong enough, I give. I'm done. I can't do it anymore. Her response: You can and you will, and you are. Funny enough, while I was giving birth to Elliott (naturally, mind you) I said I can't do it anymore. Her response: You can and you will and you are. Hmph. I'm not sure who she thinks she is. So somehow, a week post chemo comes around and I start to feel like I'm going to make it, and maybe my sister is right. I have another one behind me now that I never ever have to do again, and I'm starting to feel better. Then usually by the weekend (9 days post treatment) I feel worlds better - and so I have a week or so where I function relatively normally before I go in for more and it starts all over again.
My buzz cut is still falling out. It kind of sucks that Scott got to shave his head and be all supportive, and now his hair is growing in nicely and he's gorgeous, and I get stuck with a mostly bald on the top but a patch in the front and a buzz in the back hairdo. I told him I think to REALLY be supportive he needed to get my exact hair do. He laughed out loud and said "oh hell no." See? Not very supportive.
Before I started treatment I figured I would wear my wig most of the time, sometimes I'd wear hats and I'd probably never wear scarves. Turns out I haven't worn my wig once, I sometimes wear hats and I'm mostly wearing scarves. The wig itches and makes me feel...wrong. I have no idea how to explain it. When I put it on and look at myself I feel sad. When I put a scarf on (which, my scarf obsession I've always had has sure come in handy!) I feel better. I am mostly bald around the house, except when I sleep because I'm freezing.
One day this week I was getting ready in the bathroom and Cameron was in there with me talking. I went to grab my scarf to wrap my head up and he said "Mama, I kind of just like you just the way you are. I think you look beautiful just with your bald head." I was absolutely blown away. I can tell by the way they look at me that they literally don't see my crazy bald head, they only see me. Which is more than I can say for myself. When I asked Elliott if he was comfortable with my bald head his response was "Yah sure! I'll tell you if I change my mind." Ahhh....typical response for both of them.
As always, the amount of support we are receiving is mind boggling. I wonder if people realize just how much it means to us. It really feels good to know how many people are sending me their positive thoughts and prayers. Every single message I receive is touching and humbling. It seems like I can't say it enough: thank you thank you thank you.
So - round three tomorrow. Moving only forward.
Friday, February 1, 2013
All about my hair
I bought my wig from a breast cancer survivor who said her hair started falling out on day 13 (after her first chemo). On day 13 my hair started falling out a little bit, and on day 14 it started falling out in handfuls. It was everywhere. I was at work, and actually left at noon to work from home because I couldn't stop crying. I cried for so many reasons....I was so mad at the cancer, again. I was scared of what I was going to feel like bald, and mostly I was disappointed in myself. I didn't want to feel this way about losing my hair. I wanted to feel strong and worried about more important things, not my silly hair. Everyone told me to just shave it - and I literally couldn't imagine just taking a razor to my hair (or having anyone else do it) and just shave it. It goes against nature.
So I went to my second round of chemo with a trail of hair behind me. Then, I left chemo and went to have pizza with my family - and then to Juut salon to shave my head. The girl that shaved my head was so beautiful - in all senses of the word. Her mom is a 5 year breast cancer survivor, and her best friend is just finishing her last round of chemo for breast cancer. She turned me away from the mirror as she shaved it, and then turned me away from my sister too. She was a mirror of how I was feeling.
I didn't look in the mirror for several hours. I was physically hurting. I spent the first part of my life hating everything about my hair. I was a redhead, which made me different, and when you're a kid different is not necessarily good. I always wanted my hair to be anything other than it was. Then, I hit my 20's and I WAS A REDHEAD!! :) I grew to love it and feel fortunate for it. Suddenly be different was good. And so really my hair has been a major source of my identity, good or bad, for my whole life. And now I'm bald, because of cancer.
When my babies saw it the first time, Elliott just instantly wanted to rub it, with little emotion involved. Cameron said "I really like it mama". And then followed me around, all night long. He was touching me every minute. In private an hour later he told me he doesn't really like it, but didn't want to hurt my feelings. I told him I didn't really like it yet either, but we would get used to it together. Scott seemed to really like it, I think he was excited for it! :) That night, he left to go to yoga and called me 20 minutes later and said he missed yoga and was on his way home. When he walked in - he was bald. He had shaved his head too. So sweet. And surprising.
I'm already doing better today. I'm past "how am I going to do this" and on to "it is what it is." I have cancer, I'm going through chemotherapy, like too many women before me and after me. Part of that process is losing my hair. It's temporary, I can't hide it and I can't control it. I am trying to focus now on how many steps of this journey are already behind me, and there are a lot. Just moving forward, slow and steady.
Here are a couple of pictures - the first one was at the salon. I thought about not posting it, but this is a journal of what I'm going through - and this picture was part of what I went through. The second one is of my lovely husband and I, when I was at a much better place.
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