All about my hair

I bought my wig from a breast cancer survivor who said her hair started falling out on day 13 (after her first chemo).  On day 13 my hair started falling out a little bit, and on day 14 it started falling out in handfuls.  It was everywhere.  I was at work, and actually left at noon to work from home because I couldn't stop crying.  I cried for so many reasons....I was so mad at the cancer, again.  I was scared of what I was going to feel like bald, and mostly I was disappointed in myself.  I didn't want to feel this way about losing my hair. I wanted to feel strong and worried about more important things, not my silly hair.  Everyone told me to just shave it - and I literally couldn't imagine just taking a razor to my hair (or having anyone else do it) and just shave it.  It goes against nature.

So I went to my second round of chemo with a trail of hair behind me.  Then, I left chemo and went to have pizza with my family - and then to Juut salon to shave my head.  The girl that shaved my head was so beautiful - in all senses of the word.  Her mom is a 5 year breast cancer survivor, and her best friend is just finishing her last round of chemo for breast cancer.  She turned me away from the mirror as she shaved it, and then turned me away from my sister too.  She was a mirror of how I was feeling.

I didn't look in the mirror for several hours.  I was physically hurting.  I spent the first part of my life hating everything about my hair.  I was a redhead, which made me different, and when you're a kid different is not necessarily good.  I always wanted my hair to be anything other than it was.  Then, I hit my 20's and I WAS A REDHEAD!!  :)  I grew to love it and feel fortunate for it.  Suddenly be different was good.  And so really my hair has been a major source of my identity, good or bad, for my whole life.  And now I'm bald, because of cancer.

When my babies saw it the first time, Elliott just instantly wanted to rub it, with little emotion involved.  Cameron said "I really like it mama".  And then followed me around, all night long.  He was touching me every minute.  In private an hour later he told me he doesn't really like it, but didn't want to hurt my feelings.  I told him I didn't really like it yet either, but we would get used to it together.  Scott seemed to really like it, I think he was excited for it!  :)  That night, he left to go to yoga and called me 20 minutes later and said he missed yoga and was on his way home.  When he walked in - he was bald.  He had shaved his head too.  So sweet.  And surprising.

I'm already doing better today.  I'm past "how am I going to do this" and on to "it is what it is."  I have cancer, I'm going through chemotherapy, like too many women before me and after me.  Part of that process is losing my hair.  It's temporary, I can't hide it and I can't control it.  I am trying to focus now on how many steps of this journey are already behind me, and there are a lot.  Just moving forward, slow and steady.

Here are a couple of pictures - the first one was at the salon.  I thought about not posting it, but this is a journal of what I'm going through - and this picture was part of what I went through.  The second one is of my lovely husband and I, when I was at a much better place.