General update

Tomorrow I go in for my third round of chemo.  3 down (and I refuse to say how many left because it's discouraging.  So we stop at 3 down).  Since it's Valentine's Day it only seems appropriate (not to mention ridiculously romantic) that Scott comes with this time.  This will be his first time coming...a Valentine's Day to remember I'm sure.

There seems to be a pattern in regards to how I feel now....which I hate to even say out loud because this round will be completely different and will shoot to hell all sense of control this pattern has given me.  But so far - I'm sick the first week after chemo.  I'm not throwing up, but I'm sick. I have little to no energy, I'm shaky, my appetite is off, I'm nauseous, my taste buds are off, my mouth hurts, my head hurts, my brain feels empty except when I'm feeling miserable.... and honestly the list is endless.  The thing about chemo (for me) is that it hasn't been any one symptom that's bringing me down.  It's the countless number of ways that it's making my body not my own that's really difficult. I just feel bad and weak and emotional for that week or so.

I got to the point this time where I told my sister I couldn't do it anymore.  I don't have it in me, I'm not strong enough, I give.  I'm done.  I can't do it anymore.  Her response:  You can and you will, and you are.  Funny enough, while I was giving birth to Elliott (naturally, mind you) I said I can't do it anymore.  Her response:  You can and you will and you are.  Hmph.  I'm not sure who she thinks she is.  So somehow, a week post chemo comes around and I start to feel like I'm going to make it, and maybe my sister is right.  I have another one behind me now that I never ever have to do again, and I'm starting to feel better.  Then usually by the weekend (9 days post treatment) I feel worlds better - and so I have a week or so where I function relatively normally before I go in for more and it starts all over again.

My buzz cut is still falling out.  It kind of sucks that Scott got to shave his head and be all supportive, and now his hair is growing in nicely and he's gorgeous, and I get stuck with a mostly bald on the top but a patch in the front and a buzz in the back hairdo.  I told him I think to REALLY be supportive he needed to get my exact hair do.  He laughed out loud and said "oh hell no."  See?  Not very supportive. 

Before I started treatment I figured I would wear my wig most of the time, sometimes I'd wear hats and I'd probably never wear scarves.  Turns out I haven't worn my wig once, I sometimes wear hats and I'm mostly wearing scarves.  The wig itches and makes me feel...wrong.  I have no idea how to explain it.  When I put it on and look at myself I feel sad.  When I put a scarf on (which, my scarf obsession I've always had has sure come in handy!) I feel better.  I am mostly bald around the house, except when I sleep because I'm freezing.  

One day this week I was getting ready in the bathroom and Cameron was in there with me talking.  I went to grab my scarf to wrap my head up and he said "Mama, I kind of just like you just the way you are.  I think you look beautiful just with your bald head."  I was absolutely blown away.  I can tell by the way they look at me that they literally don't see my crazy bald head, they only see me.  Which is more than I can say for myself.  When I asked Elliott if he was comfortable with my bald head his response was "Yah sure!  I'll tell you if I change my mind."  Ahhh....typical response for both of them. 

As always, the amount of support we are receiving is mind boggling.  I wonder if people realize just how much it means to us.  It really feels good to know how many people are sending me their positive thoughts and prayers.  Every single message I receive is touching and humbling.  It seems like I can't say it enough:  thank you thank you thank you.

So - round three tomorrow.  Moving only forward.