I had my 11th round of chemo today, which means I only have 5 to go. I've been going to chemo for 3 months now, which is hard to believe.
After the liver obstacle where she lowered my dose - the next week my liver functions had greatly improved and were just a tiny bit above normal so she gave me the full dose - and today they were perfectly normal! Woohooo! Full dose again. Apparently the reason she cares so much about my liver function is not so much for the liver itself (it's a "hearty" organ that can easily repair itself) but because the liver is what will get the poison out of me. If my liver isn't functioning well, the chemo is staying in me. Makes sense, I'd prefer to go ahead and get the chemo out of me when my body is done using it.
Either way - liver is good. I'm down to 1 hand the sessions remaining, and I'm feeling good. I still haven't heard the results of my genetic test, so that's a little bit of a worry hanging over my head. I'd like to get those results and move forward. I'm assuming it should be any day now. And I really don't think it's going to be positive (although, every time I left myself think that I replay the "bump not a lump" conversation I had with myself 5 months ago).
In chemo today I was sitting next to a girl in high school talking about prom, who has to go to chemo every day right now. I watched the woman across from me who was too old to be going through this; just too tired. I watched a young family that had to bring their 4 year old daughter with them to chemo today, with my assumption being they didn't have the support system in the area to be able to have someone stay with her instead. I realized how lucky I am. I understand now why people kept telling me how fine I will be because of the support system I have. It's so true. I don't need to worry about my kids being taken care of. I have people lined up to help me, and a husband who is an amazing dad. I have never been to a chemo session alone. I have best friends that have been there every step of the way, my mom has been able to take off work to take care of me, my dad and his wife have driven up from Illinois/Indiana multiple times to sit with me during treatment, people cooking for me....I could go on and on. The point is - I realized today when I looked around that I'm lucky. Cancer sucks. My situation sucks, but it could always be so much worse.
Now, if this joke of a state would realize that it's the middle of April and stop dumping snow on us repeatedly (we have gotten 4+ inches tonight) my focusing on the positive would be A LOT EASIER.
*Addendum: Tina just called me and apparently I have 6 left. FINE. 6 left. Next week I will 5 left.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Control
I have had an "exciting" couple of weeks since my last post. My fevers apparently were because of a UTI that my body is fighting. Which, is crazy for many reasons. I had no symptoms and no reason to have a UTI, it just happened. They put me on an obscene amount of antibiotics and I moved on.
Then a week later I went in for my weekly chemo and both my blood counts (white and red) were too low to be able to give me chemo. Normal range for WBC is 4.0-11.0 and mine was 3.7. White blood cells are the infection fighting cells. Normal range for hemoglobin is 11.7-15.7 and mine was 8.1. Hemoglobin act as the vehicle to drive oxygen around your body. So the last week I had been very out of breath and walking up stairs was horrible. I would stand up and get light headed, and I was so exhausted I could hardly keep my eyes open. It was very discouraging because I assumed this was the fatigue from the chemo, and I couldn't manage how I was going to manage 9 more weeks feeling this way.
BUT, when my labs were drawn pre-chemo, they paged the doctor and asked her if I could still get it. She told them that I would need a shot every day for three days to build the white blood cells up, and for my hemoglobin I would be scheduled for a blood transfusion, and I could go on with the chemo. This was last Thursday. I took the shot every day for three days, it built my white blood cells up (and my body HURT from making them).
On Tuesday I went in for the blood transfusion. When I went in they re-drew my labs and my hemoglobin was 7.8 (down from 8.1) and my white blood cells were 19!! I think the shots worked, no wonder my body hurt so bad, my bone marrow was freaking out!
Everyone kept telling me how much better I was going to feel after this was done. So, I was pretty excited to be there and felt grateful that I was able to do this to feel better. This was SO MUCH BETTER than feeling the way I was feeling for 9 more weeks. It took about 6.5 hours and was totally easy. They put two bags of blood right into my port. I was tired when I left, I think from sitting there for 6.5 hours, but that night I did 4 loads of laundry, up and down the stairs. Not once did I feel like my head was going to explode, not once did I get light headed. It was pretty awesome. Again, I was super grateful. Thanks to everyone who donates blood! :)
Today I was scheduled for chemo again. I was nervous for this appointment because I've been waiting for the results of the BRACA genetic test (it hasn't come back yet) but I wasn't nervous at all about being able to get chemo or not, because of everything we had done to get my numbers up. Turns out, they tried to cancel chemo this time because my liver functions were three times what they should be. I felt like I was going to scream and throw things, for real. I have no control over this cancer beast, and it's starting to piss me off. I try so hard to do everything I can to stay on track, to be good to my body, to have a good attitude - and I absolutely cannot control this. This is not easy for a control freak like me. Typically if something is wrong, you do something to change it. Cancer just doesn't play by the rules. Not to mention, hearing now that my liver is unhappy just really brings to light how terrible this is for my healthy body. Grrr...
So, after all was said and done, they gave me 60 whatever's of my chemo instead of 80 whatever's. She said this is all because of my dose dense schedule. Typically when people go in every three weeks for chemo their body has a chance to heal a little bit in between. But they're hitting my body so often with this poison it just doesn't have a chance to recoup. So she's hoping next week it will be a little bit better because of the decreased dose. But, she said chances are good I'll need another transfusion or two and chances are also good that I will end up having to skip a cycle at some point because of my white blood cells. So, I take a deep breath and I realize it's out of my control. I can't do anything to control any of these things, and I have to be at the mercy of the people that are there to make me better. Deep breaths and lots of meditation practicing.
The good news is, I physically feel very good. Even though it doesn't sound like it from the post, I also feel pretty good mentally. I'm frustrated, but I'm not feeling down or dark. I feel like I can see the end. Letting go of some of the need to control this is going to be a huge feat for me, and I'm working on it.
8 cycles down, 8 to go. Halfway there!!!!
Then a week later I went in for my weekly chemo and both my blood counts (white and red) were too low to be able to give me chemo. Normal range for WBC is 4.0-11.0 and mine was 3.7. White blood cells are the infection fighting cells. Normal range for hemoglobin is 11.7-15.7 and mine was 8.1. Hemoglobin act as the vehicle to drive oxygen around your body. So the last week I had been very out of breath and walking up stairs was horrible. I would stand up and get light headed, and I was so exhausted I could hardly keep my eyes open. It was very discouraging because I assumed this was the fatigue from the chemo, and I couldn't manage how I was going to manage 9 more weeks feeling this way.
BUT, when my labs were drawn pre-chemo, they paged the doctor and asked her if I could still get it. She told them that I would need a shot every day for three days to build the white blood cells up, and for my hemoglobin I would be scheduled for a blood transfusion, and I could go on with the chemo. This was last Thursday. I took the shot every day for three days, it built my white blood cells up (and my body HURT from making them).
On Tuesday I went in for the blood transfusion. When I went in they re-drew my labs and my hemoglobin was 7.8 (down from 8.1) and my white blood cells were 19!! I think the shots worked, no wonder my body hurt so bad, my bone marrow was freaking out!
Everyone kept telling me how much better I was going to feel after this was done. So, I was pretty excited to be there and felt grateful that I was able to do this to feel better. This was SO MUCH BETTER than feeling the way I was feeling for 9 more weeks. It took about 6.5 hours and was totally easy. They put two bags of blood right into my port. I was tired when I left, I think from sitting there for 6.5 hours, but that night I did 4 loads of laundry, up and down the stairs. Not once did I feel like my head was going to explode, not once did I get light headed. It was pretty awesome. Again, I was super grateful. Thanks to everyone who donates blood! :)
Today I was scheduled for chemo again. I was nervous for this appointment because I've been waiting for the results of the BRACA genetic test (it hasn't come back yet) but I wasn't nervous at all about being able to get chemo or not, because of everything we had done to get my numbers up. Turns out, they tried to cancel chemo this time because my liver functions were three times what they should be. I felt like I was going to scream and throw things, for real. I have no control over this cancer beast, and it's starting to piss me off. I try so hard to do everything I can to stay on track, to be good to my body, to have a good attitude - and I absolutely cannot control this. This is not easy for a control freak like me. Typically if something is wrong, you do something to change it. Cancer just doesn't play by the rules. Not to mention, hearing now that my liver is unhappy just really brings to light how terrible this is for my healthy body. Grrr...
So, after all was said and done, they gave me 60 whatever's of my chemo instead of 80 whatever's. She said this is all because of my dose dense schedule. Typically when people go in every three weeks for chemo their body has a chance to heal a little bit in between. But they're hitting my body so often with this poison it just doesn't have a chance to recoup. So she's hoping next week it will be a little bit better because of the decreased dose. But, she said chances are good I'll need another transfusion or two and chances are also good that I will end up having to skip a cycle at some point because of my white blood cells. So, I take a deep breath and I realize it's out of my control. I can't do anything to control any of these things, and I have to be at the mercy of the people that are there to make me better. Deep breaths and lots of meditation practicing.
The good news is, I physically feel very good. Even though it doesn't sound like it from the post, I also feel pretty good mentally. I'm frustrated, but I'm not feeling down or dark. I feel like I can see the end. Letting go of some of the need to control this is going to be a huge feat for me, and I'm working on it.
8 cycles down, 8 to go. Halfway there!!!!
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