Control

I have had an "exciting" couple of weeks since my last post.  My fevers apparently were because of a UTI that my body is fighting.  Which, is crazy for many reasons.  I had no symptoms and no reason to have a UTI, it just happened.  They put me on an obscene amount of antibiotics and I moved on.

Then a week later I went in for my weekly chemo and both my blood counts (white and red) were too low to be able to give me chemo.  Normal range for WBC is 4.0-11.0 and mine was 3.7.  White blood cells are the infection fighting cells.  Normal range for hemoglobin is 11.7-15.7 and mine was 8.1.  Hemoglobin act as the vehicle to drive oxygen around your body.  So the last week I had been very out of breath and walking up stairs was horrible.  I would stand up and get light headed, and I was so exhausted I could hardly keep my eyes open.  It was very discouraging because I assumed this was the fatigue from the chemo, and I couldn't manage how I was going to manage 9 more weeks feeling this way.

BUT, when my labs were drawn pre-chemo, they paged the doctor and asked her if I could still get it.  She told them that I would need a shot every day for three days to build the white blood cells up, and for my hemoglobin I would be scheduled for a blood transfusion, and I could go on with the chemo.  This was last Thursday.  I took the shot every day for three days, it built my white blood cells up (and my body HURT from making them).

On Tuesday I went in for the blood transfusion.  When I went in they re-drew my labs and my hemoglobin was 7.8 (down from 8.1) and my white blood cells were 19!!  I think the shots worked, no wonder my body hurt so bad, my bone marrow was freaking out!

Everyone kept telling me how much better I was going to feel after this was done.  So, I was pretty excited to be there and felt grateful that I was able to do this to feel better.  This was SO MUCH BETTER than feeling the way I was feeling for 9 more weeks.  It took about 6.5 hours and was totally easy.  They put two bags of blood right into my port.  I was tired when I left, I think from sitting there for 6.5 hours, but that night I did 4 loads of laundry, up and down the stairs.  Not once did I feel like my head was going to explode, not once did I get light headed.  It was pretty awesome.  Again, I was super grateful.  Thanks to everyone who donates blood!  :)

Today I was scheduled for chemo again.  I was nervous for this appointment because I've been waiting for the results of the BRACA genetic test (it hasn't come back yet) but I wasn't nervous at all about being able to get chemo or not, because of everything we had done to get my numbers up.  Turns out, they tried to cancel chemo this time because my liver functions were three times what they should be.  I felt like I was going to scream and throw things, for real.  I have no control over this cancer beast, and it's starting to piss me off.  I try so hard to do everything I can to stay on track, to be good to my body, to have a good attitude - and I absolutely cannot control this.  This is not easy for a control freak like me.  Typically if something is wrong, you do something to change it.  Cancer just doesn't play by the rules.  Not to mention, hearing now that my liver is unhappy just really brings to light how terrible this is for my healthy body.  Grrr...

So, after all was said and done, they gave me 60 whatever's of my chemo instead of 80 whatever's.  She said this is all because of my dose dense schedule.  Typically when people go in every three weeks for chemo their body has a chance to heal a little bit in between.  But they're hitting my body so often with this poison it just doesn't have a chance to recoup.  So she's hoping next week it will be a little bit better because of the decreased dose.  But, she said chances are good I'll need another transfusion or two and chances are also good that I will end up having to skip a cycle at some point because of my white blood cells.  So, I take a deep breath and I realize it's out of my control.  I can't do anything to control any of these things, and I have to be at the mercy of the people that are there to make me better.  Deep breaths and lots of meditation practicing.

The good news is, I physically feel very good.  Even though it doesn't sound like it from the post, I also feel pretty good mentally.  I'm frustrated, but I'm not feeling down or dark.  I feel like I can see the end.  Letting go of some of the need to control this is going to be a huge feat for me, and I'm working on it.

8 cycles down, 8 to go.  Halfway there!!!!