Blue

This last week has been hard.  I think I grieved the information that my cancer is triple negative almost as bad as I grieved when I found out I had cancer.  I had just heard so many positive things about being NOT triple negative that it was hard to come to terms with having it.  Again. 

Then I caught the stomach bug that has been going around everywhere, and have been sick for the last three days.  Honestly - having a stomach bug two weeks before starting chemotherapy is quite like a kick in the crotch.  I'm sorry, it just is.  I should be up and eating and enjoying life, and instead I've been down for the count.  Although, if I were to be completely honest, I may say that it was almost nice to have an excuse to be down and out because I wanted to be anyway.

I've been trying my best to get to yoga at least twice a week.  I started to say "and that's helping", but I really don't know if it's helping or not.  Who knows how I would feel if I wasn't?  I'm also going to get a treadmill for my basement, and try my very hardest to get downstairs and exercise for 30 minutes in the morning through the 5 months of chemo.  Everything I'm reading and/or have been told is that if I can maintain some sort of physical exercise throughout chemo that my body will be stronger and will be able to manage it better.  I'll go in with good intentions and hope they come to fruition.

My doctor told me to be sure that I do something every day that I love.  That is very, very hard to do in the winter.  I hate the winter's guts.  What makes me happy is camping, playing at the park, biking with the boys, canoeing, picnicing.....nothing that I can do in the winter.  I typically experience some form of Seasonal Affective Disorder anyway.  Add chemo and cancer, and it's going to be a LONG winter.  But that also means it will be an even better summer than usual.  The other thing I love to do is eat.  My stupid stomach bug took away that joy, and then my "research" on cancer really squashed it (limit sugar! limit fat! no alcohol! limit caffiene!).  I eat well already and need to come to terms that this is something that I may not be able to control.  That's been hard. 

Scott and I took the boys ice skating today with our best friends who have boys the same age-ish.  Scott and I don't ice skate, but Cameron and Elliott honestly took off.  I have never seen Cameron take to something so instantly unless it was a book.  They had those pusher things and both of them just loved it - pure joy.  I think the combination of watching them along with my stomach bug finally going away has helped me break out of the blues a little bit.  Maybe it was also just a matter of time. 

I get my port put in tomorrow.  I'm more nervous about that than I was the lumpectomy.  I think because a surgeon was taking something out of me that shouldn't be there with the lumpectomy, and I was going to be under general anesthesia.  For this procedure a radiologist is putting a tube into an artery that will stay there for many months, so that they can have easy access to poison me.  I mean my cancer.  Either way, I'll be glad when it's over.  Wednesday I have an echo and Friday I have Sesame Street Live.  :)