13 rounds done - 3 to go!!!

Back in the day, I mentioned the cancer support boards to my oncologist, and she said something along the lines of me needing to be careful - because typically the people that post on them have had a bad experience, which is why they need to post.  I can see what she means now, because the better I feel the less I want to write about it.  But, since this will be my memory for years to come, I'm going to keep writing.

I have three sessions of Taxol left.  Holy hell.  I thought the end would never come.  This was (very obviously) the longest, darkest winter ever.  Although now that it's starting to get warm I realize I'm somewhat grateful that the vast majority of my baldness was over the wintertime when it made sense to be wearing hats.  Now that it's summer (well, spring technically - but today it's 96 degrees so it feels like summer) I'm confused about what to do with my head.  I'm trying to go full on bald more and more in public.  I went to the Mall of America bald and I went to a hipster bar bald.  The mall was fine (especially since it was the weekend of race for the cure there), the bar was worse.  I was sad.  I was sad for the life I don't have anymore...and sad that this has happened to me.  Not so much about the hair, since pretty soon it will grow back in a little bit more and then I can just wear a lot of eye makeup and dress in black and I'll be the coolest one there, but sad that I've got this extra thing to carry around now.

Sunday was race for the cure at the MOA as I mentioned.  Maybe one of the most awesome experiences I've had so far:  Scott's friends from college flew in from Oklahoma, Chicago and Columbus to do the walk with us.  I was truly amazed and so happy for Scott.  He needed to have them around him, and I was grateful that it gave me a chance to get to know them better.  Such awesome guys.  We were joined by several other friends that gave up their mother's day morning to walk with us and it was amazing.  There were about 50,000 people there.  I was pretty in control of my emotions until I walked through the finish line and then the tears started.  I think it was because it was like the proverbial finish....

I mentioned that I'm starting to go bald in public more - ironically the morning I decided to be bald all day Scott shut the garage door on my head and I have a big cut on it now.  Although, to be fair - he says I walked into it.  I think you can tell by the location of the cut that that was not the case.  :)
The first day I was bald I was in a store and a little girl said "mama, that woman don't have no hair" and the mom ignored her, but I smiled.  Then she said it again a little louder and the mom looked up and saw me, and I felt terrible for her.  So I tried to smile at her too, but she was so busy making a beeline for the door that she didn't see me.  All the while her poor little girl who is being ignored and is not happy about it kept getting louder and louder "MAMA!  THAT WOMAN DON'T HAVE NO HAIR!!!!!"  If only the mom would've just stopped and acknowledged her....I'm sure she would've stopped yelling it!  And really.  It's not like she was telling me something I don't know!

And, speaking of kids - I'm so confused by myself.  The one place I cannot be bald is at the kids' school.  I try so hard, and last minute I always put my hat on.  I wonder why that is?  They all know I'm bald.  I think it's because they don't have a filter yet, and I'm scared they're going to say something that will make Cameron and/or Elliott (and by that I mean Cameron) feel bad.  Maybe?  I don't know.  My hair is starting to grow in a tiny bit, I have this super fine baby hair you can hardly feel unless you think really hard about it.  So if it's growing back during Taxol, I hope it will grow in that much faster when I'm all done.

So my last chemo will be 5/30.  My oncologist initially thought I may have to skip a session because my labs weren't going to allow for chemo, but then my numbers miraculously started going up!!  They went down a little bit this last week, but I think they'll remain stable for the next three weeks.  Then I start radiation the first week of June.  As it turns out it was going to cost me (me, out of pocket) $3300 for radiation if I continued going to the same place I have been going (33 rounds of radiation at $100 a session) BUT, if I go to my work - it will be free to me!!!  Wahoo!  So I'm "saving" $3300 and the horrible hassle of driving to the U, paying to park, getting the treatment, then driving to my hospital, paying to park....etc.  Instead, I'll run downstairs for 30 minutes every day and get radiation, and then come back up to work.  Again, I feel super grateful.

I feel good.  I feel scared as hell in every single minute of downtime that I have, but I physically feel good.  Well, today I feel crappy but in general I feel good.  I just need to figure out how to get through the next three years of my life without living in fear of recurrence, which I'm sure is true of every single cancer survivor out there.  But how do I do that?  I guess I just keep going like I've done so far, and then before I know it I'll be through the three year scary period.  Right??