So, it’s been a while since I posted! I don’t know if anyone will even see this, except me in 10 years when I’m ready to look back on all this and remember everything I’ve forced myself to forget.
Housekeeping stuff: I’ve finished 28 out of 33 rounds of radiation today. Overall there’s not a lot to say about it. I cried the very first appointment because of the yuckiness (medical term) of it all, and the vulnerability I felt laying on the metal bed with my top off and my arms in the air…but even that brought a sweet moment. My radiation oncologist came into the room and saw my tears coming down the side of my face, and without saying anything went and got a tissue, came back and wiped my tears away. That was it. It made a big impact on me. The techs that I see every day, 5 days a week, are awesome. Of course they’re young and good looking men (remember me on a metal bed with my top off and arms in the air) but it goes so fast I don’t even notice. I go before my work day starts, and I’m there all in all for about 10 minutes.
I did develop a burn where the radiation is, which for some reason I thought wasn’t going to happen. Doh. It especially burned under my armpit. My doctor prescribed a steroid cream for me to use, and after a week it started getting better. Now I have a very tan and peeling armpit. Jealous? Other than that I feel pretty darn good, all things considered. Although the fatigue can be a bit of a bugger…
I have my first follow up appointment with my regular oncologist on August 5 so she can do a baseline breast exam, since radiation will likely change the appearance and feel of my breast. Then in three months I’ll start the scans (mammogram and MRI alternating). Most importantly, I figure out how to live my life the happiest I can, without living in constant fear of cancer recurrence. If someone has a good way for me to do that….I’m all ears.
It’s interesting….I still have moments where the thought will hit me like a ton of bricks that I had CANCER. It’s just weird to me. I just sit there and shake my head (or yell/scream/throw things/swear/all of the above. Mostly all of the above) thinking about it. I just don’t understand how this happens. I think I’m in the “why me” phase. I was looking through pictures the other day, and I saw all of these pictures of my family before the diagnosis and it felt so happy and innocent. Then I look at pictures now and we’re happy – but there’s a difference. There’s a heaviness that I feel when I look at them. There’s a before cancer life and there’s a post cancer life.
Speaking of pictures – my hair is growing back. Another month and I may look like I made the choice to have my hair this short. J My eyebrows and eyelashes are also growing back. About 5 weeks post chemo my eyelashes essentially had enough and all fell out. 5 weeks AFTER I completed treatment. My eyebrows did the same, but at least they had been thinning throughout treatment. So while my hair started growing back, my eyelashes and eyebrows fell out – but they’re coming back now! Although, I do hear that they may actually fall out again once or twice before they stick around for good. That’s not going to be disheartening or anything….
About 9 weeks after I took the genetic test the results came back. It was supposed to take 4 weeks. This was the test that was going to determine whether or not I went with the double mastectomy instead of the lumpectomy (think Angelina Jolie - her surgery was a result of this genetic test coming back positive). They test for two things: BRCA 1 and BRCA 2. My BRCA 1 was negative and my BRCA 2 was indeterminate. You know what I do with that information? Absolutely nothing. So dumb. I'm going to be grateful the BRCA 1 was negative, and I'm going to forget completely about the BRCA 2.
Speaking of pictures – my hair is growing back. Another month and I may look like I made the choice to have my hair this short. J My eyebrows and eyelashes are also growing back. About 5 weeks post chemo my eyelashes essentially had enough and all fell out. 5 weeks AFTER I completed treatment. My eyebrows did the same, but at least they had been thinning throughout treatment. So while my hair started growing back, my eyelashes and eyebrows fell out – but they’re coming back now! Although, I do hear that they may actually fall out again once or twice before they stick around for good. That’s not going to be disheartening or anything….
About 9 weeks after I took the genetic test the results came back. It was supposed to take 4 weeks. This was the test that was going to determine whether or not I went with the double mastectomy instead of the lumpectomy (think Angelina Jolie - her surgery was a result of this genetic test coming back positive). They test for two things: BRCA 1 and BRCA 2. My BRCA 1 was negative and my BRCA 2 was indeterminate. You know what I do with that information? Absolutely nothing. So dumb. I'm going to be grateful the BRCA 1 was negative, and I'm going to forget completely about the BRCA 2.
I have days where I can’t do enough research on where we’re at with cancer treatments and cancer studies and a cure for cancer. I keep telling myself that even if my cancer does come back (which it won’t) they’ll have a cure by then. *Side note – google CD47 cancer treatment, it’s very exciting*.
I have two camping trips planned for the rest of the summer, and a trip to two friend’s cabins. I’m going to Duluth for the weekend with my besties. I’m also planning a fall trip to Virginia (I hope) and a winter trip to Puerto Rico (I hope). That’s all I want to do right now, is travel. I want to travel and make memories with my family. Work and money REALLY get in the way of that. I’ve got to figure out a way around those two things.
You have a way of bringing out multiple and conflicting emotions (within me, the reader) all in one post. It sounds like you're discovering new perspectives as you experience all of this - as seems healthy and normal. I'm really happy for you that you are focusing on you and what you love.
ReplyDelete