Back in the day, I mentioned the cancer support boards to my oncologist, and she said something along the lines of me needing to be careful - because typically the people that post on them have had a bad experience, which is why they need to post. I can see what she means now, because the better I feel the less I want to write about it. But, since this will be my memory for years to come, I'm going to keep writing.
I have three sessions of Taxol left. Holy hell. I thought the end would never come. This was (very obviously) the longest, darkest winter ever. Although now that it's starting to get warm I realize I'm somewhat grateful that the vast majority of my baldness was over the wintertime when it made sense to be wearing hats. Now that it's summer (well, spring technically - but today it's 96 degrees so it feels like summer) I'm confused about what to do with my head. I'm trying to go full on bald more and more in public. I went to the Mall of America bald and I went to a hipster bar bald. The mall was fine (especially since it was the weekend of race for the cure there), the bar was worse. I was sad. I was sad for the life I don't have anymore...and sad that this has happened to me. Not so much about the hair, since pretty soon it will grow back in a little bit more and then I can just wear a lot of eye makeup and dress in black and I'll be the coolest one there, but sad that I've got this extra thing to carry around now.
Sunday was race for the cure at the MOA as I mentioned. Maybe one of the most awesome experiences I've had so far: Scott's friends from college flew in from Oklahoma, Chicago and Columbus to do the walk with us. I was truly amazed and so happy for Scott. He needed to have them around him, and I was grateful that it gave me a chance to get to know them better. Such awesome guys. We were joined by several other friends that gave up their mother's day morning to walk with us and it was amazing. There were about 50,000 people there. I was pretty in control of my emotions until I walked through the finish line and then the tears started. I think it was because it was like the proverbial finish....
I mentioned that I'm starting to go bald in public more - ironically the morning I decided to be bald all day Scott shut the garage door on my head and I have a big cut on it now. Although, to be fair - he says I walked into it. I think you can tell by the location of the cut that that was not the case. :)
The first day I was bald I was in a store and a little girl said "mama, that woman don't have no hair" and the mom ignored her, but I smiled. Then she said it again a little louder and the mom looked up and saw me, and I felt terrible for her. So I tried to smile at her too, but she was so busy making a beeline for the door that she didn't see me. All the while her poor little girl who is being ignored and is not happy about it kept getting louder and louder "MAMA! THAT WOMAN DON'T HAVE NO HAIR!!!!!" If only the mom would've just stopped and acknowledged her....I'm sure she would've stopped yelling it! And really. It's not like she was telling me something I don't know!
And, speaking of kids - I'm so confused by myself. The one place I cannot be bald is at the kids' school. I try so hard, and last minute I always put my hat on. I wonder why that is? They all know I'm bald. I think it's because they don't have a filter yet, and I'm scared they're going to say something that will make Cameron and/or Elliott (and by that I mean Cameron) feel bad. Maybe? I don't know. My hair is starting to grow in a tiny bit, I have this super fine baby hair you can hardly feel unless you think really hard about it. So if it's growing back during Taxol, I hope it will grow in that much faster when I'm all done.
So my last chemo will be 5/30. My oncologist initially thought I may have to skip a session because my labs weren't going to allow for chemo, but then my numbers miraculously started going up!! They went down a little bit this last week, but I think they'll remain stable for the next three weeks. Then I start radiation the first week of June. As it turns out it was going to cost me (me, out of pocket) $3300 for radiation if I continued going to the same place I have been going (33 rounds of radiation at $100 a session) BUT, if I go to my work - it will be free to me!!! Wahoo! So I'm "saving" $3300 and the horrible hassle of driving to the U, paying to park, getting the treatment, then driving to my hospital, paying to park....etc. Instead, I'll run downstairs for 30 minutes every day and get radiation, and then come back up to work. Again, I feel super grateful.
I feel good. I feel scared as hell in every single minute of downtime that I have, but I physically feel good. Well, today I feel crappy but in general I feel good. I just need to figure out how to get through the next three years of my life without living in fear of recurrence, which I'm sure is true of every single cancer survivor out there. But how do I do that? I guess I just keep going like I've done so far, and then before I know it I'll be through the three year scary period. Right??
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Feeling good - 5 left to go!
I had my 11th round of chemo today, which means I only have 5 to go. I've been going to chemo for 3 months now, which is hard to believe.
After the liver obstacle where she lowered my dose - the next week my liver functions had greatly improved and were just a tiny bit above normal so she gave me the full dose - and today they were perfectly normal! Woohooo! Full dose again. Apparently the reason she cares so much about my liver function is not so much for the liver itself (it's a "hearty" organ that can easily repair itself) but because the liver is what will get the poison out of me. If my liver isn't functioning well, the chemo is staying in me. Makes sense, I'd prefer to go ahead and get the chemo out of me when my body is done using it.
Either way - liver is good. I'm down to 1 hand the sessions remaining, and I'm feeling good. I still haven't heard the results of my genetic test, so that's a little bit of a worry hanging over my head. I'd like to get those results and move forward. I'm assuming it should be any day now. And I really don't think it's going to be positive (although, every time I left myself think that I replay the "bump not a lump" conversation I had with myself 5 months ago).
In chemo today I was sitting next to a girl in high school talking about prom, who has to go to chemo every day right now. I watched the woman across from me who was too old to be going through this; just too tired. I watched a young family that had to bring their 4 year old daughter with them to chemo today, with my assumption being they didn't have the support system in the area to be able to have someone stay with her instead. I realized how lucky I am. I understand now why people kept telling me how fine I will be because of the support system I have. It's so true. I don't need to worry about my kids being taken care of. I have people lined up to help me, and a husband who is an amazing dad. I have never been to a chemo session alone. I have best friends that have been there every step of the way, my mom has been able to take off work to take care of me, my dad and his wife have driven up from Illinois/Indiana multiple times to sit with me during treatment, people cooking for me....I could go on and on. The point is - I realized today when I looked around that I'm lucky. Cancer sucks. My situation sucks, but it could always be so much worse.
Now, if this joke of a state would realize that it's the middle of April and stop dumping snow on us repeatedly (we have gotten 4+ inches tonight) my focusing on the positive would be A LOT EASIER.
*Addendum: Tina just called me and apparently I have 6 left. FINE. 6 left. Next week I will 5 left.
After the liver obstacle where she lowered my dose - the next week my liver functions had greatly improved and were just a tiny bit above normal so she gave me the full dose - and today they were perfectly normal! Woohooo! Full dose again. Apparently the reason she cares so much about my liver function is not so much for the liver itself (it's a "hearty" organ that can easily repair itself) but because the liver is what will get the poison out of me. If my liver isn't functioning well, the chemo is staying in me. Makes sense, I'd prefer to go ahead and get the chemo out of me when my body is done using it.
Either way - liver is good. I'm down to 1 hand the sessions remaining, and I'm feeling good. I still haven't heard the results of my genetic test, so that's a little bit of a worry hanging over my head. I'd like to get those results and move forward. I'm assuming it should be any day now. And I really don't think it's going to be positive (although, every time I left myself think that I replay the "bump not a lump" conversation I had with myself 5 months ago).
In chemo today I was sitting next to a girl in high school talking about prom, who has to go to chemo every day right now. I watched the woman across from me who was too old to be going through this; just too tired. I watched a young family that had to bring their 4 year old daughter with them to chemo today, with my assumption being they didn't have the support system in the area to be able to have someone stay with her instead. I realized how lucky I am. I understand now why people kept telling me how fine I will be because of the support system I have. It's so true. I don't need to worry about my kids being taken care of. I have people lined up to help me, and a husband who is an amazing dad. I have never been to a chemo session alone. I have best friends that have been there every step of the way, my mom has been able to take off work to take care of me, my dad and his wife have driven up from Illinois/Indiana multiple times to sit with me during treatment, people cooking for me....I could go on and on. The point is - I realized today when I looked around that I'm lucky. Cancer sucks. My situation sucks, but it could always be so much worse.
Now, if this joke of a state would realize that it's the middle of April and stop dumping snow on us repeatedly (we have gotten 4+ inches tonight) my focusing on the positive would be A LOT EASIER.
*Addendum: Tina just called me and apparently I have 6 left. FINE. 6 left. Next week I will 5 left.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Control
I have had an "exciting" couple of weeks since my last post. My fevers apparently were because of a UTI that my body is fighting. Which, is crazy for many reasons. I had no symptoms and no reason to have a UTI, it just happened. They put me on an obscene amount of antibiotics and I moved on.
Then a week later I went in for my weekly chemo and both my blood counts (white and red) were too low to be able to give me chemo. Normal range for WBC is 4.0-11.0 and mine was 3.7. White blood cells are the infection fighting cells. Normal range for hemoglobin is 11.7-15.7 and mine was 8.1. Hemoglobin act as the vehicle to drive oxygen around your body. So the last week I had been very out of breath and walking up stairs was horrible. I would stand up and get light headed, and I was so exhausted I could hardly keep my eyes open. It was very discouraging because I assumed this was the fatigue from the chemo, and I couldn't manage how I was going to manage 9 more weeks feeling this way.
BUT, when my labs were drawn pre-chemo, they paged the doctor and asked her if I could still get it. She told them that I would need a shot every day for three days to build the white blood cells up, and for my hemoglobin I would be scheduled for a blood transfusion, and I could go on with the chemo. This was last Thursday. I took the shot every day for three days, it built my white blood cells up (and my body HURT from making them).
On Tuesday I went in for the blood transfusion. When I went in they re-drew my labs and my hemoglobin was 7.8 (down from 8.1) and my white blood cells were 19!! I think the shots worked, no wonder my body hurt so bad, my bone marrow was freaking out!
Everyone kept telling me how much better I was going to feel after this was done. So, I was pretty excited to be there and felt grateful that I was able to do this to feel better. This was SO MUCH BETTER than feeling the way I was feeling for 9 more weeks. It took about 6.5 hours and was totally easy. They put two bags of blood right into my port. I was tired when I left, I think from sitting there for 6.5 hours, but that night I did 4 loads of laundry, up and down the stairs. Not once did I feel like my head was going to explode, not once did I get light headed. It was pretty awesome. Again, I was super grateful. Thanks to everyone who donates blood! :)
Today I was scheduled for chemo again. I was nervous for this appointment because I've been waiting for the results of the BRACA genetic test (it hasn't come back yet) but I wasn't nervous at all about being able to get chemo or not, because of everything we had done to get my numbers up. Turns out, they tried to cancel chemo this time because my liver functions were three times what they should be. I felt like I was going to scream and throw things, for real. I have no control over this cancer beast, and it's starting to piss me off. I try so hard to do everything I can to stay on track, to be good to my body, to have a good attitude - and I absolutely cannot control this. This is not easy for a control freak like me. Typically if something is wrong, you do something to change it. Cancer just doesn't play by the rules. Not to mention, hearing now that my liver is unhappy just really brings to light how terrible this is for my healthy body. Grrr...
So, after all was said and done, they gave me 60 whatever's of my chemo instead of 80 whatever's. She said this is all because of my dose dense schedule. Typically when people go in every three weeks for chemo their body has a chance to heal a little bit in between. But they're hitting my body so often with this poison it just doesn't have a chance to recoup. So she's hoping next week it will be a little bit better because of the decreased dose. But, she said chances are good I'll need another transfusion or two and chances are also good that I will end up having to skip a cycle at some point because of my white blood cells. So, I take a deep breath and I realize it's out of my control. I can't do anything to control any of these things, and I have to be at the mercy of the people that are there to make me better. Deep breaths and lots of meditation practicing.
The good news is, I physically feel very good. Even though it doesn't sound like it from the post, I also feel pretty good mentally. I'm frustrated, but I'm not feeling down or dark. I feel like I can see the end. Letting go of some of the need to control this is going to be a huge feat for me, and I'm working on it.
8 cycles down, 8 to go. Halfway there!!!!
Then a week later I went in for my weekly chemo and both my blood counts (white and red) were too low to be able to give me chemo. Normal range for WBC is 4.0-11.0 and mine was 3.7. White blood cells are the infection fighting cells. Normal range for hemoglobin is 11.7-15.7 and mine was 8.1. Hemoglobin act as the vehicle to drive oxygen around your body. So the last week I had been very out of breath and walking up stairs was horrible. I would stand up and get light headed, and I was so exhausted I could hardly keep my eyes open. It was very discouraging because I assumed this was the fatigue from the chemo, and I couldn't manage how I was going to manage 9 more weeks feeling this way.
BUT, when my labs were drawn pre-chemo, they paged the doctor and asked her if I could still get it. She told them that I would need a shot every day for three days to build the white blood cells up, and for my hemoglobin I would be scheduled for a blood transfusion, and I could go on with the chemo. This was last Thursday. I took the shot every day for three days, it built my white blood cells up (and my body HURT from making them).
On Tuesday I went in for the blood transfusion. When I went in they re-drew my labs and my hemoglobin was 7.8 (down from 8.1) and my white blood cells were 19!! I think the shots worked, no wonder my body hurt so bad, my bone marrow was freaking out!
Everyone kept telling me how much better I was going to feel after this was done. So, I was pretty excited to be there and felt grateful that I was able to do this to feel better. This was SO MUCH BETTER than feeling the way I was feeling for 9 more weeks. It took about 6.5 hours and was totally easy. They put two bags of blood right into my port. I was tired when I left, I think from sitting there for 6.5 hours, but that night I did 4 loads of laundry, up and down the stairs. Not once did I feel like my head was going to explode, not once did I get light headed. It was pretty awesome. Again, I was super grateful. Thanks to everyone who donates blood! :)
Today I was scheduled for chemo again. I was nervous for this appointment because I've been waiting for the results of the BRACA genetic test (it hasn't come back yet) but I wasn't nervous at all about being able to get chemo or not, because of everything we had done to get my numbers up. Turns out, they tried to cancel chemo this time because my liver functions were three times what they should be. I felt like I was going to scream and throw things, for real. I have no control over this cancer beast, and it's starting to piss me off. I try so hard to do everything I can to stay on track, to be good to my body, to have a good attitude - and I absolutely cannot control this. This is not easy for a control freak like me. Typically if something is wrong, you do something to change it. Cancer just doesn't play by the rules. Not to mention, hearing now that my liver is unhappy just really brings to light how terrible this is for my healthy body. Grrr...
So, after all was said and done, they gave me 60 whatever's of my chemo instead of 80 whatever's. She said this is all because of my dose dense schedule. Typically when people go in every three weeks for chemo their body has a chance to heal a little bit in between. But they're hitting my body so often with this poison it just doesn't have a chance to recoup. So she's hoping next week it will be a little bit better because of the decreased dose. But, she said chances are good I'll need another transfusion or two and chances are also good that I will end up having to skip a cycle at some point because of my white blood cells. So, I take a deep breath and I realize it's out of my control. I can't do anything to control any of these things, and I have to be at the mercy of the people that are there to make me better. Deep breaths and lots of meditation practicing.
The good news is, I physically feel very good. Even though it doesn't sound like it from the post, I also feel pretty good mentally. I'm frustrated, but I'm not feeling down or dark. I feel like I can see the end. Letting go of some of the need to control this is going to be a huge feat for me, and I'm working on it.
8 cycles down, 8 to go. Halfway there!!!!
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Fevers and ER
I had my first round of Taxol the Thursday before last. That Wednesday (a few days ago) I started getting a fever while I was at work. I left work around 4:00 and got into bed. One of the things that my doctor has drilled into my head is that if I have a fever of 100.5 or greater or chills, I have to call the the clinic or the after hours on call doctor.
By 7:00 that night I was under 3 blankets and shivering uncontrollably. But my fever was only 100 or so...which continues to confuse me. A fever of 100 should not cause chills that bad, is nothing normal in my body right now? By 1:15 am, my fever was 101.3 and the on call fellow told me I needed to go to the ER. So, my mom came and picked me up (40 minutes later because she had to shower and then got out of the shower and realized she forgot to rinse the conditioner out of her hair and she had to stop and get gas.....I think she was having a hard time wrapping her head around the fact that she was driving me to the ER).
At the ER they drew my blood, gave me a chest xray and started an IV antibiotic. My WBC (infection fighting part of my blood) was 4.1, and 4.0 is where normal starts. But, being in the middle of chemo that wasn't surprising. But something else in my blood test made them think there's a possibility of a bacterial infection, possibly in my port. But I won't find out for sure until Monday because they have to grow the cultures. I was there from 2:00-5:30 am, got home at 6:00 am and then was back there at 9:00 am for more chemo. The doctor and I talked a lot about it, she made sure I was up to it and we went forward with it. During chemo, I developed another fever. Sigh. I was shivering again but I kept telling the infusion nurse it was adrenaline and I was fine. She walked away and came back with my doctor - I laughed and said I can't believe you told on me!! So, she gave me a different antibiotic and some Tylenol and sent me on my way.
Friday I woke up and felt great and Elliott stayed home with me instead of going to school (Cameron really wanted to too, but it was show and tell day, which is like the best day of the whole week...so I picked him up 1:00 instead). Erin and Nolan came over to play with us, and my dad and Marilyn came over. I made soup, we had a great day - and I felt great all day. Then that night at dinner time - another fever with horrible chills and under multiple blankets. It went away with Tylenol, and then at 4:30 in the morning it was back.
I hate to state the obvious - but this sucks. This chemo has been easier, so I'm going to have mystery fevers to deal with. It's scary to not know what's going on in my body. It's entirely possible that when my blood work comes back on Monday there will be no infection anywhere, and we won't ever know what was causing the fevers. I'm going to decide that the fevers are done as of right now, my blood work will come back and say it's all good, and I'll move forward with 10 more weeks of tolerable chemo.
Yah, that's right.
By 7:00 that night I was under 3 blankets and shivering uncontrollably. But my fever was only 100 or so...which continues to confuse me. A fever of 100 should not cause chills that bad, is nothing normal in my body right now? By 1:15 am, my fever was 101.3 and the on call fellow told me I needed to go to the ER. So, my mom came and picked me up (40 minutes later because she had to shower and then got out of the shower and realized she forgot to rinse the conditioner out of her hair and she had to stop and get gas.....I think she was having a hard time wrapping her head around the fact that she was driving me to the ER).
At the ER they drew my blood, gave me a chest xray and started an IV antibiotic. My WBC (infection fighting part of my blood) was 4.1, and 4.0 is where normal starts. But, being in the middle of chemo that wasn't surprising. But something else in my blood test made them think there's a possibility of a bacterial infection, possibly in my port. But I won't find out for sure until Monday because they have to grow the cultures. I was there from 2:00-5:30 am, got home at 6:00 am and then was back there at 9:00 am for more chemo. The doctor and I talked a lot about it, she made sure I was up to it and we went forward with it. During chemo, I developed another fever. Sigh. I was shivering again but I kept telling the infusion nurse it was adrenaline and I was fine. She walked away and came back with my doctor - I laughed and said I can't believe you told on me!! So, she gave me a different antibiotic and some Tylenol and sent me on my way.
Friday I woke up and felt great and Elliott stayed home with me instead of going to school (Cameron really wanted to too, but it was show and tell day, which is like the best day of the whole week...so I picked him up 1:00 instead). Erin and Nolan came over to play with us, and my dad and Marilyn came over. I made soup, we had a great day - and I felt great all day. Then that night at dinner time - another fever with horrible chills and under multiple blankets. It went away with Tylenol, and then at 4:30 in the morning it was back.
I hate to state the obvious - but this sucks. This chemo has been easier, so I'm going to have mystery fevers to deal with. It's scary to not know what's going on in my body. It's entirely possible that when my blood work comes back on Monday there will be no infection anywhere, and we won't ever know what was causing the fevers. I'm going to decide that the fevers are done as of right now, my blood work will come back and say it's all good, and I'll move forward with 10 more weeks of tolerable chemo.
Yah, that's right.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
I'm back!
I hope!
I had my first round of Taxol, the new chemo I'll be receiving weekly, on Thursday. This is WORLDS better than the first two types of meds I received. Last round I pretty much got every single side effect that was possible. It was a dark, yucky place to be. I was depressed and scared and down.
This week I am the exact opposite. I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm trying to remain cautiously optimistic because I do have 11 more rounds of this to go, but I really feel good. I experienced none of the side effects that I did last week, my energy is up, my mood is up....wahoo!
The doctor said the biggest side effects from Taxol are neuropathy (tingling/numbness on hands and feet, which in 90% of cases people will get full sensation back) and nail beds that loosen. My biggest fear is if the neuropathy gets too bad they'll stop treatment, which I won't be okay with. My oncologist actually tried to cancel my chemo this week because of some of the side effects that I was experiencing, but I successfully talked her out of that. :) I like to keep on schedule with what the millions of dollars and super smart scientists have decided is best for me.
They gave me 50 mg of Benadryl in my IV with the Taxol because of the risk of allergic reaction to it. I didn't like that - it made me feel woozy and knocked me out. Which, would've been fine if I was then going to bed for the night - but instead they kicked me out 40 minutes later and I had to somehow function. So, they're going to cut it down to 25 mg next time, but I will have to have it with every round.
And, I think that pretty much says it all. Getting knocked out from Benadryl is my biggest complaint this week. Party time.
Moving forward!!
I had my first round of Taxol, the new chemo I'll be receiving weekly, on Thursday. This is WORLDS better than the first two types of meds I received. Last round I pretty much got every single side effect that was possible. It was a dark, yucky place to be. I was depressed and scared and down.
This week I am the exact opposite. I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm trying to remain cautiously optimistic because I do have 11 more rounds of this to go, but I really feel good. I experienced none of the side effects that I did last week, my energy is up, my mood is up....wahoo!
The doctor said the biggest side effects from Taxol are neuropathy (tingling/numbness on hands and feet, which in 90% of cases people will get full sensation back) and nail beds that loosen. My biggest fear is if the neuropathy gets too bad they'll stop treatment, which I won't be okay with. My oncologist actually tried to cancel my chemo this week because of some of the side effects that I was experiencing, but I successfully talked her out of that. :) I like to keep on schedule with what the millions of dollars and super smart scientists have decided is best for me.
They gave me 50 mg of Benadryl in my IV with the Taxol because of the risk of allergic reaction to it. I didn't like that - it made me feel woozy and knocked me out. Which, would've been fine if I was then going to bed for the night - but instead they kicked me out 40 minutes later and I had to somehow function. So, they're going to cut it down to 25 mg next time, but I will have to have it with every round.
And, I think that pretty much says it all. Getting knocked out from Benadryl is my biggest complaint this week. Party time.
Moving forward!!
Monday, March 4, 2013
I am cancer right now
So, this is what I expected and feared - and thought I was somehow exempt from. I'm miserable. My treatments have gotten worse each time, or at least the days after have. I finished my fourth and final round of dose dense A & C on Thursday, and I'm down for the count. Saturday I couldn't get out of bed, couldn't swallow, couldn't eat or drink much....couldn't really function. Sunday I started to feel better, and then last night I got a cold. I already was having a hard time swallowing (the chemo affects your entire GI tract, from your mouth through your throat to your esophagus to your stomach) and now I have a cold on top of it. Miserable. There's just no other way to put it. My energy is gone. I sit on the couch and it's everything in me to keep my eyes open, even though I'm not tired enough to sleep. My head is foggy and heavy....etc and so on and blah blah. So, this is what the anticipation was all about.
I feel like I look like cancer now that I feel like cancer, which in turn makes me feel worse. I'm missing work, I'm not pulling my weight around the house, I'm not on the treadmill, I'm not at yoga....I'm just surviving right now. I keep trying to feel grateful that I had so many good weeks that could've been like this, but part of me feels like it got my hopes up that I was somehow going to sail through this intense treatment and now I haven't.
Before every chemo, they put heparin in my port to make sure it's clear. On the second treatment, the smell of the heparin started to make me sick. The third treatment I had to wear a mask lined with peppermint chapstick so I couldn't smell it. The fourth treatment, I got sick and cried just by the nurse accessing the port to draw my blood. It's the anticipation of what's to come. I wonder how many things I'm not ever going to be able to smell again because it will remind me of this time (the soap in my house, the "shampoo and conditioner" I use on my head right now) bagels....well that would be fine if I never ate another bagel I guess.
I start the T part of my treatment next Thursday. One med, which everyone promises me should be better. However, they promise me that the nausea won't be as bad, which hasn't been one of my biggest side effects, so I'm trying to keep my expectations in check. Constantly trying to keep my expectations in check.
Moving forward.
I feel like I look like cancer now that I feel like cancer, which in turn makes me feel worse. I'm missing work, I'm not pulling my weight around the house, I'm not on the treadmill, I'm not at yoga....I'm just surviving right now. I keep trying to feel grateful that I had so many good weeks that could've been like this, but part of me feels like it got my hopes up that I was somehow going to sail through this intense treatment and now I haven't.
Before every chemo, they put heparin in my port to make sure it's clear. On the second treatment, the smell of the heparin started to make me sick. The third treatment I had to wear a mask lined with peppermint chapstick so I couldn't smell it. The fourth treatment, I got sick and cried just by the nurse accessing the port to draw my blood. It's the anticipation of what's to come. I wonder how many things I'm not ever going to be able to smell again because it will remind me of this time (the soap in my house, the "shampoo and conditioner" I use on my head right now) bagels....well that would be fine if I never ate another bagel I guess.
I start the T part of my treatment next Thursday. One med, which everyone promises me should be better. However, they promise me that the nausea won't be as bad, which hasn't been one of my biggest side effects, so I'm trying to keep my expectations in check. Constantly trying to keep my expectations in check.
Moving forward.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Always changing
At my last chemo appointment my oncologist mentioned that my next treatment will end this cycle, and we're on to the next. I literally slapped my hand on my leg and said "WHAT are you talking about??"
The plan I had heard (and, my sister heard at the same time I'd like to just say) is that I have 8 rounds of these two meds every other week, and then 4 rounds of one med every week. For a total of 12 rounds.
Here is the actual plan: 4 rounds of these two meds every other week, and then 12 rounds of one med every week.
TWELVE rounds EVERY WEEK.
I have to assume the bad news is obvious. I can't imagine going in for chemo every week for 12 weeks.
The good news is that I'm being told that these two meds I'm getting right now are the difficult ones. These two are the two that make you feel bad. So - I only have one more of those! Yay!
The cycle coming up is called Taxol and apparently it's not as bad as the first two meds I've been receiving. The doctor said that oftentimes women have to stop working for the cycle I'm in right now and then are able to go back to work during the Taxol. So, another silver lining I'm going to go with.
It's important to mention that nothing has changed in my treatment plan. It's not as though they saw something and decided they needed to switch it up. This has been the plan the whole time, we just somehow miscommunicated (and by that I mean she told me wrong). :)
I'm not going to lie, I'm ready to be done with this cycle. I hope the next is actually somehow not as bad...
The plan I had heard (and, my sister heard at the same time I'd like to just say) is that I have 8 rounds of these two meds every other week, and then 4 rounds of one med every week. For a total of 12 rounds.
Here is the actual plan: 4 rounds of these two meds every other week, and then 12 rounds of one med every week.
TWELVE rounds EVERY WEEK.
I have to assume the bad news is obvious. I can't imagine going in for chemo every week for 12 weeks.
The good news is that I'm being told that these two meds I'm getting right now are the difficult ones. These two are the two that make you feel bad. So - I only have one more of those! Yay!
The cycle coming up is called Taxol and apparently it's not as bad as the first two meds I've been receiving. The doctor said that oftentimes women have to stop working for the cycle I'm in right now and then are able to go back to work during the Taxol. So, another silver lining I'm going to go with.
It's important to mention that nothing has changed in my treatment plan. It's not as though they saw something and decided they needed to switch it up. This has been the plan the whole time, we just somehow miscommunicated (and by that I mean she told me wrong). :)
I'm not going to lie, I'm ready to be done with this cycle. I hope the next is actually somehow not as bad...
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